My earth wife and I've been looking for a more American house- something bigger, 3 car garage (for the hovercraft my earth son and I will build for his eagle scout project), and more land. Thought I often make fun of the McMansions that have become so prevalent over the past couple of years, I never thought that having to pay multiple impact fees would be considered a red badge of courage.

The offending Craigslist posting

A recent Craigslist posting features an incredible house. All the standard features abound, trey ceilings, granite counter tops, but something that really sticks out to me is the fact the house is so large the owner had to pay 2 impact fees- something he is obviously proud of.

FOR SALE!!!- a 2700 sq. ft. gem in the Crappy House style made popular in neighborhoods across America and on TV shows like "Flip That House".

The Quintessential Crappy House

Formal Dining Room- No one uses Dining Rooms anymore. They are useless rooms people like World Market and Pier 1 subsidize in order to sell their useless crap to populate them with. Please stop making houses with formal dining rooms. If you must make a dining room, please don't have two arched entryways into the room, making it essentially useless for any other purpose other than holding a mahogany piece of furniture which requires periodic Endusting.

Could use some Ting-Ting

Granite Counter tops- Would everyone stop watching Flip this House? No one likes Granite counter tops other than Realtors. They will tell you it will improve your resell value. You know what would improve your resell value? Lowering the price because of the $5,000 you didn't spend on granite counters.

Those granite counters sure look expensive!

Granite counter tops are not pretty and their extremely hard surfaces only serve to accentuate the museum-like reverberation required in the Crappiest House because of it's vaulted/cathedral ceilings.

Cathedral Ceilings- There's nothing like talking on the phone to someone and having them ask if you're at a museum. "No," you say, "I'm at my house, which has 45 ft. ceilings and makes my singing sound angelic like the Cathedral at Notre Dame".

The Recently Renovated  Notre Dame Cathedral, Paris

It also makes your conversations sound unintelligible, and makes you feel tiny and exposed in a space that's supposed to make you feel comfy and safe. Again, Realtors tell you they're nice, but they do not make for a livable space. Please, don't buy a house with cathedral ceilings. Boycott them, make the builders and Realtors sorry for what they've done. Cathedral ceilings are a blight upon the homely home.

A Living Room only M.C. Escher could love (and Realtors)

What the angels see when you're watching Flip That House

Arched window over two story Foyer- Could there by anything more iconic in the Crappy House style than the arched window over the front door of a two-story foyer? This delightful motif has delighted generations of builders and Realtors with a false sense of aesthetic achievement and beauty. These are hideous inventions of people who's idea of pretty is brass chandeliers and ionic columns on carpet.

Columns on Carpet- Stunning.

One of my favorite realtors in my quadrant has got to be Dewey Massey III. He has to be a multi-million dollar producer many times over. His picture is the most professional looking realtor picture in the area-

Dewey Massey III

Click to read more ...

There is a lucky realtor who is selling a house on the street where my earth home is located. She is so lucky in fact, that her phone number ends with 7653, which phonetically could spell POLE. However, she has chosen an alternate spelling, SOLD. SOLD is the one universal thing that can be found on realtor signs across the universe, more ubiquitous than "Multi-Million Dollar Producer" or even "Views Galore!". Her phone number ends in SOLD! How lucky can she be? The minute she places a sign in someone's yard, it is already "SOLD" to a casual passerby. They won't even need to call her, look at the house or make an offer. She doesn't need to do any work at all- she must be a Multi-Million Dollar Producer, a thousand times over by now. That's one lucky realtor!

1. Google your last name.
2. Find people with your last name.
3. Call them up and ask them if you are related?
4. ???
5. Make lots of money!!!